Life Isn't Fair

We know this. We've been told this so many times, we're sick of it. Time and time again, RocketBootDad has, in response to my cries of "That's not fair!", said "Life isn't fair." But why? Is there any reason why it can't be fair?

When you think about it, what we're actually doing is telling our kids, from an early age, that Justice is flawed, that the concepts of Right and Wrong are completely pointless and that what it boils down to is what you can get away with, and what you can't; Risk vs Reward.

Before children are beaten with The "Life Isn't Fair" Stick to the point where Hope, Justice and Possibility lie Shattered beneath the Iron Jackboot of Cynicism, they ask The Right Question. Which is? Why.

There is a stage where a child will ask of its parent "Why?", to which the parent will inevitably give some hastily fabricated web of nonsense. Undeflected, the child persists and eventually the exasperated parent roars "Because it just IS!!!!!!!". Now, as I constantly find myself telling RocketBootKidKid, that's not a real reason.

"Because it is" is the universal excuse given by all The Worlds adults to their offspring for the shit they're going to inherit. Now, we rationalise this by saying that we want to protect them from the harsh realities of life. But my point is really; why do they need protected? Do there have to be any harsh realities?

To everyone whose brain has just gone "Yes", I will say "Why?", and then I'll say "My point exactly!" Is there some genetic or biological or cosmological or any-ological reason why we can't sort all the things which we rationalise by saying "Life isn't fair"? I think we should all be able look at things and ask "Why?", without our brain automatically answering "Because it just is."

Because if we can't, I fear it may be the death of us.

On the Sixth Day, he panicked...

What follows is a dramatic reconstruction of the events that happened in Heaven, on Day 6 of the Great Universe Build-off. God has just finished watching Match of The Day and is just finishing off a few odds and ends...

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Right, what's left to do? Oo, Korea. Right, there's Korea, bit more of a bend in it...there! Right, stick it onto China.....rrrr, come on! Right, it's hammer time! {BANG-BANG-BANG-SNAP!} Bugger. OK, North Korea and South Korea. That's OK. Need to stick them together; there's too many islands as it is, especially after I dropped Canada onto Greece. Shit, no glue left. What do we have? Oh well, landmines it is then. There...

Geologic faults. Best close my eyes for this one. {THUD-CRACK!} There! Wo, what are the chances. Those cities aren't going to last long. Mind you, that may sort out the moral fibre issues. Thursday afternoon was not great.

Next...North Africa. I've wasted enough time on this already; I just can't decide what to put there. Hmmm, all out of trees but I do have a big load of sand left. But every other land at that latitude is pretty green; it'll look shoddy. Oh well, desert it is {SAND}.

Err... Greenland. I'll just cover that in snow and ice {SNOW & ICE}; that'll keep them guessing. And I'll give it to.....this tiny flat country down with the guys with the pointy helmets. Give them somewhere to row to. Hope what's left of Canada isn't too much of a mess. I'll just make it really cold like Greenland and no-one will go there.

Right, still lots of odds and ends in the animals parts bin. We have.....duck feet and bills.....dolphin tails....pouches.....a shitload of little furry bodies.....hippo faces.....long bones.....long spiral horns. Throw them in the air, where they land...{TOSS-SPLAT!}..huh! That...sorta works. A little rabbit-thing with duck bits and pockets. I'll just put them down the bottom; maybe no-one will notice. Oops, the horns fell onto those whales.....dude, cool!

OK, a few minutes left. Let's put some brown people over here in the white country and some white people in the brown country and we'll just see who lasts longest. Just make sure that all the hotel room bedside tables have Bibles in them....Good.

Right, last but not least, the piece de resistance, Tolerance, Wisdom, Restraint, Respect; my finest creations. Without them, this world will be Hel...{BEEPETY-BEEP}..What's that beeping? Oh shit, it's Midnight! It's Sunday! Fuck! The whole week out the window. Oh, Man!, these guys are so screwed!

Don't underestimate the Commies!

The Red Peril is alive and well! And I'm not talking about the threat of nuclear annihilation from the East (or West, depending on where you live and about whom you think I'm talking). Some people might pour scorn on the ability of a communist country these days to field a workable nuclear arsenal. I am in no doubt, and I'll tell you why.

Communists do processions like no one else. No one can get several thousand people to stand in big square, all wearing grey, wearing hats, waving The Little Red Book, chanting the same mantra and making sure they know the words quite like a Communist country. I bet we couldn't do that in a Democracy (if such a thing exists). We couldn't get several hundred thousand people to turn up in one place at the same time, wearing the same stuff, all with the same gear and all knowing the same words³.

Firstly, all you need is for one person to say "Make me!" and you're buggered. "Aww, we're not allowed to make you, it's a democracy! You have to want to stand outside looking and sounding like everyone else."

Next up, there is not one universal garment we all own. So, assuming we'd turn up at all, it would look shoddy, not nice and neat like a Communist parade. That's the problem; give people a choice and they'll all buy different stuff, which ruins the effect at mass rallies to praise the dear leader.

There is also the critical mass of people to consider. Put one hundred thousand Communists in a square and they'll happily wave Little Red Flags all day because they're not having to work twenty hours down t' pit, or being shot. Put one hundred thousand capitalists in a square and tell them to wave a flag and it'll kick off within thirty seconds.

It's a logistics problem. Over here there would be problems at the Little Blue Flag factory and arguments in the tabloid press about the exact wording of the Party Song and the precise breakdown of minorities in the civilian ranks and how to make everyone look uniform when they aren't. A democratic government just couldn't put on as good a procession as communist one. There just aren't words in North Korean for "health and safety" or "liability".

So, checklist for really kick-ass parade;
1. Hundreds of thousands of civilians, wearing the same clothes, waving the same flag, moving and singing the same song in unison,
2. Hundreds of thousands of soldiers, goose-stepping really fast in unison,
3. Several Hundred gun-metal grey-green battle tanks¹ trundling alongside, their gun barrels elevated just so,
4. Fly past of Eighties-vintage ex-Soviet gun-metal grey-green fighter-bombers strewn with missiles².
5. Vast parade ground surrounded by monolithic state departments strewn with vast nationalistic flags.
6. Last, and most importantly, a balding, bespectacled pervert alcoholic, with the power to kill everyone who doesn't wave in unison or know the words, to wave and smile.

All in all, if there was a World Championships for processions, and Communist countries attended, they would kick Yankee imperialist ass. And if they can out-procession us, who knows what else they can do...

¹ Is there another kind of tank? "Where's the ICBM?" "Over there behind the Notting Hill Carnival Peace and Love Tank."
² Why do Communist missiles always have twice as many fins on them than Democratic missiles? They do. You see them on the news; you can barely see the missile for fins. Maybe there's a permanent shortage at the missile factory, while fin production proceeds on schedule, so they think "Fuck it, just stick them all on."
³ The closest you'd get would be the final of the World Cup, but there would always be at least two colours and two versions of the words.