My Half of The First Conversation with Jesus

Hello?
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Jesus who?
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As in "The Son of God"-Jesus?
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How did you get this number?
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Sorry, I don't believe this is THE Jesus. I mean, I don't believe that you, or your Dad for that matter, even existed, so this is kinda weirding me out.
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Are you sure you're not a telemarketer?
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So you're not going to go "By the way, did you know you can get seven windows at 0% APR"?
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OK, I'll go along with this. So, Jesus, what's up with you? Keeping busy?
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Oh, so you do listen to peoples prayers, you just don't do anything about them? Yeah, we've got politicians who don't listen to us as well, and you how much we dislike politicians?
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Yes, he's the illiterate monkey who runs the world¹.
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I assume you mean Mafia taken-care-of as supposed to Salvation Army taken-care-of?
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Isn't that against the Commandment thingies?
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So who did write them?
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I always thought that bit sounded fishy. So what do you want me to do about it?
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You mean, be the Right Hand of God sort of thing?
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OK, the Right Pinkie Finger of God, then?
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OK, even assuming you are The Son of God, and even assuming I was willing to kill him, which is another one of Moses' made-up Commandments, and one of the ones that caught on, by the way, people who kill and then say God made them do it aren't held in high esteem down here.
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OK, but I assume the order came from the Big Fella?
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A personal favour? Riiiight, but I would need some sort of protection afterwards. Plus, we should talk recompense.
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I don't want to receive my reward in Heaven. I'm still not convinced you're not some nutjob trying to get me do their dirty work for them. You know what, this is a stupid conversation. I'm hanging up. If you call me again, I'm calling the Police.
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No, not Sting. The actual Police.
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OK, if you're Him, do something right now to make me Believe.
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Yes, I know it's against your policy! Your brainless sheep down here are always banging on about Faith. I'm an Engineer! I need Proof! Faith gets people killed!
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Really? How many people you think die each year because they get into arguments about who loves you most, hmmm? It's a lot. Doesn't that bother you? Do you think all those people who die would do anything different I they thought you were up there going "That's not what I meant at all"?
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Really? For the Son of God, you haven't got any of his smarts. Forget Omnipresence and Omnipotence. The only things you two demonstrate the use of is Omnilaziness.
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Are you in the huff now? Good. Go and have a long word with yourself, buck up your ideas, and if you want people do things properly, show them how its done and then, maybe, we can talk about your thing with Monkeyboy.
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OK, bye bye now.
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Who was that, dear?
Wrong number.

¹ This was originally written back when George W "Monkeyboy" Bush was President.